The Five Love Languages - Words of Affirmation

A "yes" answer to the question "Do you feel most loved when someone expresses appreciation for you or for what you have done, no matter how simple the act?" signifies that "words of affirmation" could be your primary love language.

While all of us like to hear good things about ourselves, people whose primary love language is words of affirmation "need" to hear good things about themselves and what they have done. It is not an ego-building exercise; rather, it is the affirmation of who that person is and what he/she has done that makes him/her feel most loved.

As my husband and I started to get to know each other before we were married, I noticed that he would often ask me how I liked something he had made or whether I thought the comment he made in class was good. If he didn't ask me my opinion, he would often say himself, "This cornbread [I made] is really good" or "I think what I said really made a difference to the discussion."

It took me a while to figure out that he wasn't fishing for compliments; he needed to hear that he had done well with his efforts. For my husband to feel loved, he needs to hear words of affirmation.

A form of this is my primary love language, but not the "classic" language of words of affirmation. Instead of being told that my cookies are good, because I already know if they are or aren't, I need to hear that the decision to make the cookies was good, or the choice to use margarine instead of butter was a good choice. You see, my particular form of the need of words of affirmation lies more in validation than just in a job well done, but there's probably more psychology to that than we can go into here.

For most of us, this expression of love is probably the easiest need to fill. We are used to giving compliments on occasion, which means you might have to step up your effors if someone you love, a spouse, a child, a parent, or a friend, needs to hear words of affirmation, but it should't be a completey foreign language to you.

Here are some suggestions and a word of caution.

First the caution:

Do not couch your words of affirmation in tones of sarcasm or compliment someone on something that is completely not true. For example, saying, "Honey, that liver was wonderful" when you actually hated it will not get the desired result. Instead of feeling loved, the person hearing your remark will either be hurt by your lack of sincerity or you will end up eating liver every week for the rest of your life.

If you truly want to convey your love for someone with words of affirmation, you must be honest and you must find something each and every day, if not many times a day, that should be affirmed.

Here are a few examples to get you started:

• Honey, I am so proud of the way you put in 9 hours a day at work and never complain
• Sweetie, I appreciate that my clothes are always washed and folded before I need to wear them
• Mom, it is so good to hear you play the piano. You have worked very hard and shown me what it means to be diligent
• Dad, it means a lot to me when you take me fishing or show up at my soccer games

If you are having trouble coming up with something, start a list. Take a day or two to write down what you admire in the other person then tell them or write them a day or two at a time. After a while you will notice that the words come more easily and they will be appreciated more and more with each passing day.

Here are some fun ways to put this into practice:

• Write your words of affirmation on sticky notes and post them on the mirror or on the fridge to be found when you're not around
• Find some small pieces of paper and write "I love you because" at the top and write a few sentences below
• Call and leave a message on an answering machine or cell phone
• Text your message
• Buy a magnetic word game to play on the refrigerator
• Write your note in red crayon and draw a heart beside it

If you yourself need to hear words of affirmation, pass this along to the people in your life who love you or who are trying to show you love. It could make a world of difference.

To help you celebrate wedding anniversaries,

Claudia

The Anniversary Shop, your online store for modern and traditional anniversary gifts.