The Five Love Languages - Quality Time

About 20 years ago, quality time was the new buzz word. As more and more moms entered the work force and dads were busy making as much money as they could, everybody was talking about "quality time" in essence as a substitute for "quantity time." By that I mean that if moms, dads, and kids, or any combination thereof, couldn't spend as much time together, whatever time they had together was supposed to be used to its fullest, thus making it quality time.

While there is a bit of that included in quality time for couples, there really is no substitute for spending time, in terms of length of time, together, thus marrying quality and quantity.

If you answered yes to the question, "Do you feel most loved when you are given attention and feel



that someone wants to spend time with you?," quality time is likely your primary love language.

Quality time includes, but is not limited to, spending time together, giving one another complete, undivided attention. While you do not have to sit side-by-side on the couch, gazing into each other's eyes as you talk, it's not a bad idea every now and then. In order to spend quality time together, get rid of distractions such as the TV, the computer, the phone, the kids, etc. Look at each other when you talk and really "be" with that person.

Quality time also includes quality conversation, consisting of both talking and listening. While it is easier for some to talk than to listen and vice versa, it is imperative that each of you do both.

It can also be a problem if both of you like to talk. Often in these relationships a lot of interrupting goes on and neither of you feel like you have had a chance to talk. At a marriage conference we went to recently, we were given a card to be folded in half like a tent. One side says, "I'm talking," the other side says, "I'm listening." When the person talking has the "I'm talking" side in front of him or her, the person listening has the "I'm listening" side in front of her or him. When your turn to talk or listen comes, that side of the card should be in front of you.

For those couples who have a hard to listening without interrupting, this could be a good reminder of what your role is at the moment. If you use this tool, however, don't abuse it. Don't keep the "I'm talking" side too long. Give your partner a chance to talk as well, and use all the listening tools at your disposal.

If you are having trouble thinking of things to talk about now that you are together, start asking "imagine if" questions.

• What would you do with $1 million dollars?
• What would you talk about if you got a phone call from Michael Jordan?
• What person in history would you most like to spend an afternoon with (besides me)?
• If you could do it all over again, would you choose the same major in college, the same profession, the same city to live in, etc.?
• What do you see us doing together when the kids leave home?

One word of caution: unless you need to work out a known problem, stay away from hot-button topics. If you have nagged your husband in the past about his choice of career, don't bring up the subject again in an attempt to nag him again. Or if she will be hurt if you don't choose her as the person you would most like to spend the afternoon with, don't use that question as a topic of conversation. Use these suggestions and this exercise to get the conversation rolling, get to know each other, and enjoy your time together.

Another part of quality time is taking part in activities together. The activities can range from watching a movie that you both want to see to taking a walk in the woods to taking dancing lessons. Whatever activity you choose, follow the steps above: give your undivided attention to your spouse and engage in quality conversation about what you are doing or any other subject that needs discussed.

Chances are good your spouse has already expressed interest in doing things together. Think back over the requests your spouse has made and make a list. Perhaps she has suggested taking walks together or spending a weekend away without the kids or he has suggested going skiing or attending a concert. Think about those suggestions and make plans to spend some time together in an activity your spouse enjoys.

If you just don't enjoy doing the activity suggested by your spouse, give it a try at least once before determining not to do it. If that activity isn't to your liking, keep suggesting activities until you agree on at least 5 things to do together. When you've done those 5 activities, work on another 5 and so on.

Here are some ideas to get you started.

• Take a walk around the neighborhood to look at the flowers as they start to bloom
• Plan your flower garden using some of the ideas your neighbors have used
• Watch the sun go up or go down together
• Create a new holiday just for the two of you
• Take 15 minutes out of your day to call your mate just to talk
• Plan a getaway without the kids
• Take a class together
• Buy a joke book and read aloud to one another
• Find a book you both want to read and read it aloud to each other
• Go out for coffee on Saturday morning
• Serve your spouse breakfast in bed - even when he or she isn't sick

Whatever you do together, remember to give your full attention without complaining. Take the time to learn to laugh with each other again.

Quality time will involve making a sacrifice. You still only have 24 hours in day. In order to devote more time to your spouse, you will have to give up something that you spend time doing now. On the other hand, quality time doesn't mean that you have to spend every minute of every day together. Start with 30 minutes a week and increase the time from there.

Chances are good that you devote a lot more than 30 minutes a week to activities you enjoy. Doesn't it make sense to give at least that much time to improve your marriage?


The Anniversary Shop, modern and traditional wedding anniversary gifts