The Five Love Languages - Acts of Service

A man or woman whose primary love language is acts of service will answer "yes" to the question, "Do you feel most loved when someone does things for you, taking out the garbage, washing clothes, running errands, etc.?"

Along with gifts, this is a very easy language to learn. The key, however, is discovering which acts of service carry the most weight. As is only fair, a person whose primary love language is acts of service does not expect someone else to do everything for him or her, but feels most loved when certain chores or tasks are taken care of as an act of love.

Again, listen to what your spouse or mate says. Does she often ask for the trash to be taken out or the floor to be swept? Maybe she often asks for the baby to be fed or the toys to be picked up. Does he notice and thank you for picking up his socks or washing his clothes? Does he notice when you wash the car or go to great lengths to cook his favorite meal?

On the other hand, does she complain that you never cook or help around the house. Does he complain when the car needs washed or you ask him to run errands instead of running errands for him?

If any of these scenarios sound familiar, ask the man or woman whose primary love language is acts of service to make a list of 5 things that he or she would like to have done. Ask him or her to be specific. Along with the task, ask that the time frame or time of completion of the task be written down as well.

Here are some examples of what you might read:

• Wash the car once a week
• Clean the inside of the car once a month
• Help with the dishes three times a week
• Go to the grocery store while I prepare for the dinner party on Saturday
• Fix the lawnmower before the lawn needs mowed next Tuesday
• Work with me to plant flowers in the flower bed Sunday afternoon
• Clean the bathroom before the weekend is over

Keep in mind that some expectations of who should do what are rooted in societal expectations and/or parental roles. If your wife's father does a good deal of the cooking, your wife might see that her father shows love to her mom by cooking. Therefore, your wife might be thinking, "if you love me like my dad loves my mom, you will cook every now and then; if you don't cook, you don't love me." Or, if your husband's mother absolutely loves working in the yard while your father-in-law watches the big game, chances are your husband will feel that, "if you really love me, you won't ask me to work in the yard on Sunday when baseball is on all day. You should know that I work hard all week and the baseball game helps me relax."

For these reasons, it is important that you be specific in your request and that, when possible, let your spouse do the chore or task within a reasonable amount of time unless you specify exactly when the task needs done to meet another goal that goes along with it. If the neighborhood party is at your house on Saturday, don't wait until Friday to ask that your husband weed the flower beds and mow the grass. On the other hand, don't assume that your husband knows two weeks ahead that the chore needs to be done unless you tell him. Be specific and be realistic.

Additionally, be ready to look on your mate's first attempts at acts of service with grace. If your husband is taking on his first stab at cooking dinner, allow him to choose the meal he wants to make and offer to help him clean up. If your wife decides to wash and wax the car for the first time, praise her for her effort to please you without pointing out the one spot of wax that remains on the rear fender.

If something gets broken or lost in the process of completing a task, extend as much grace as possible and offer your services to get things back on track. Your attitude of grace and appreciation for the effort of performing the service will go a long way in encouraging your spouse to continue to work through the list you have made.

To make it even more fun, join in with your spouse in his or her efforts to perform the tasks you have requested. If you can do this without pointing out flaws or making sure it gets done your way, you can have a lot of fun sharing the time and task together.

As in all love languages, keep it fun and look for ways to continue to show love to your spouse by performing tasks or chores that mean the most to him or her. As you see the joy on her face or the sparkle in his eyes when the task is complete, you will look for more ways to serve by taking on chores or tasks that are meaningful to your spouse.


Copyright © Claudia Pate
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