Recently I've begun dabbling in Squidoo lenses. It started with a lens on the Black Forest and has expanded to lenses on The Five Love Languages, Celebrating Wedding Anniversaries, and Anniversary Diamond Jewelry.
Part of the fun of Squidoo is that people leave feedback on the sites and sometimes offer some very insightful ideas. One comment I received on the Celebrate lens is "Don't worry about forgetting about an anniversary date -- treat every day special and love can only grow."
What great adivce!
Here are some ideas to get you started.
Eat out and save money!
Restaurant.com Dining Certificates
Enjoy a gourmet meal at home!
Delicious Chef-Prepared Meals at Home Bistro
Plan a Getaway to a Romantic Bed and Breakfast
Bed & Breakfast Gift Certificates
Take a Last-Minute Getaway and Get Great Savings!
Visit a Romantic destination this weekend -- great last-minute travel deals on Site59.
Choose your favorite Diamond Anniversary Jewelry
For more great ideas, visit my squidoo lens Celebrate Your Wedding Anniversary
Copyright © Claudia Pate
The Anniversary Shop, modern and traditional wedding anniversary gifts
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Celebrate Your Marriage Every Day
Saturday, March 03, 2007
The Five Love Languages - Physical Touch
A person whose primary love language is physical touch will answer "yes" to the question "Do you feel most loved when you are receiving physical touch?"
Physical touch runs the gamut from the slightest touch as you pass each other to the most passionate kiss of your life to, well, you know.
But be aware, the love language of physical touch is not just sexual intercourse. While sex is a wonderful, natural part of any loving marriage, probe deeper to ask, "If I were deprived of any of the other love languages but had a satisfying sex life, would I still feel loved?" For example, if your spouse never or rarely gave you compliments (words of affirmation) or spent time with you (quality time) or let you know he or she thought of you by bringing home gifts (receiving gifts) or did things for you (acts of service) but you received all the physical affection you ever wanted, would you still feel loved?
For some people, the answer is still "yes." Physical touch of any kind, whether it leads to intercourse or not, is what makes this person feel loved.
If that is the case, then lavishing a "physical touch" person with gifts or words of affirmation or a clean car will do little to make this person feel loved. He or she needs physical touch, from holding hands as you walk to the car to a foot rub as you watch TV to hugging and kissing before you fall asleep at night and when you awaken each morning.
While this seems an easy love language to learn, physical touch has roots that can go deep into a person's past. If you husband's family rarely touched one another, it is possible he will have trouble showing affection to you by touch. If your wife was abused in any way as she was growing up, it might be difficult for her to want to reciprocate the physical touch that you need. While neither of these scenarios is impossible to overcome, it could take a lot of patience and communication to reach a point where both of you are comfortable with the physical aspect of your marriage outside (or even inside) the bedroom.
If this is the case and you are unable to resolve the issue on your own, seek counseling. This is quite common and a good marriage counselor should be able to help you communicate in a way that will help you work toward a satisfying physical relationship.
If the situation is one you can talk about openly, communicate your needs and your concerns to your spouse. If your husband is skittish about public display of affection, don't expect him to kiss you passionately when you are out for a walk in the neighborhood, even if it is after dark. If your wife did not grow up in a family that hugged one another every time they saw each other, don't expect her to jump into your arms every night when you get home - at least not right away.
On the other hand, your husband might get used to the idea of holding hands when you walk around the neighborhood or your wife might enjoy cuddling on the couch while you watch the evening news or your favorite TV show. Move the kids to the floor or the other end of the couch so you and your mate can sit side by side as you watch a movie or play games.
Keep in mind that just because you enjoy certain touch doesn't mean your spouse will as well. If your wife does not enjoy being tickled, it is a sign of disrespect to her to continue to tickle her when you know she doesn't like it. If your husband doesn't like you to pinch his "love handles," it is a sign of disrespect to him to continue to do so. Physical touch, like all love languages, must be spoken in a way that brings honor to your mate and to your relationship.
Here are some ideas of ways you might show love through physical touch (again, keep in mind that you must not continue with a certain touch if your mate objects because he or she is not comfortable or does not enjoy it).
Like anything else in life, the more you do it, the more it becomes a habit. Look for new ways to touch your mate in ways that bring him or her pleasure and feelings of being loved.
Make touch an active part of your marriage. Even the slightest touch will speak volumes to a spouse whose primary love language is physical touch, and the lightest touch at an unexpected moment could ignite a flame that leads to a passionate fire.
Copyright © Claudia Pate
The Anniversary Shop, modern and traditional wedding anniversary gifts
Thursday, March 01, 2007
The Five Love Languages - Acts of Service
A man or woman whose primary love language is acts of service will answer "yes" to the question, "Do you feel most loved when someone does things for you, taking out the garbage, washing clothes, running errands, etc.?"
Along with gifts, this is a very easy language to learn. The key, however, is discovering which acts of service carry the most weight. As is only fair, a person whose primary love language is acts of service does not expect someone else to do everything for him or her, but feels most loved when certain chores or tasks are taken care of as an act of love.
Again, listen to what your spouse or mate says. Does she often ask for the trash to be taken out or the floor to be swept? Maybe she often asks for the baby to be fed or the toys to be picked up. Does he notice and thank you for picking up his socks or washing his clothes? Does he notice when you wash the car or go to great lengths to cook his favorite meal?
On the other hand, does she complain that you never cook or help around the house. Does he complain when the car needs washed or you ask him to run errands instead of running errands for him?
If any of these scenarios sound familiar, ask the man or woman whose primary love language is acts of service to make a list of 5 things that he or she would like to have done. Ask him or her to be specific. Along with the task, ask that the time frame or time of completion of the task be written down as well.
Here are some examples of what you might read:
Keep in mind that some expectations of who should do what are rooted in societal expectations and/or parental roles. If your wife's father does a good deal of the cooking, your wife might see that her father shows love to her mom by cooking. Therefore, your wife might be thinking, "if you love me like my dad loves my mom, you will cook every now and then; if you don't cook, you don't love me." Or, if your husband's mother absolutely loves working in the yard while your father-in-law watches the big game, chances are your husband will feel that, "if you really love me, you won't ask me to work in the yard on Sunday when baseball is on all day. You should know that I work hard all week and the baseball game helps me relax."
For these reasons, it is important that you be specific in your request and that, when possible, let your spouse do the chore or task within a reasonable amount of time unless you specify exactly when the task needs done to meet another goal that goes along with it. If the neighborhood party is at your house on Saturday, don't wait until Friday to ask that your husband weed the flower beds and mow the grass. On the other hand, don't assume that your husband knows two weeks ahead that the chore needs to be done unless you tell him. Be specific and be realistic.
Additionally, be ready to look on your mate's first attempts at acts of service with grace. If your husband is taking on his first stab at cooking dinner, allow him to choose the meal he wants to make and offer to help him clean up. If your wife decides to wash and wax the car for the first time, praise her for her effort to please you without pointing out the one spot of wax that remains on the rear fender.
If something gets broken or lost in the process of completing a task, extend as much grace as possible and offer your services to get things back on track. Your attitude of grace and appreciation for the effort of performing the service will go a long way in encouraging your spouse to continue to work through the list you have made.
To make it even more fun, join in with your spouse in his or her efforts to perform the tasks you have requested. If you can do this without pointing out flaws or making sure it gets done your way, you can have a lot of fun sharing the time and task together.
As in all love languages, keep it fun and look for ways to continue to show love to your spouse by performing tasks or chores that mean the most to him or her. As you see the joy on her face or the sparkle in his eyes when the task is complete, you will look for more ways to serve by taking on chores or tasks that are meaningful to your spouse.
Copyright © Claudia Pate
The Anniversary Shop, modern and traditional wedding anniversary gifts
Friday, February 16, 2007
The Five Love Languages - Receiving Gifts
In many ways, communicating with someone whose primary love language is gifts is one of the easiest skills to learn. In some ways, however, it's hard. But it's only hard if you choose to let it be.
Let me explain.
First, if you or your mate answered "yes" to the question "Do you feel most loved when someone brings you gifts or some tangible item, no matter how small or inexpensive?," you or your mate speak in the primary love language of receiving gifts. A person whose love language is receiving gifts generally does not need the gifts to be large or expensive; she or he just needs to receive gifts on a regular basis as a show of your love.
On the flip side, if you know someone who is unhappy with every gift you have ever given, no matter what you give, large, small, expensive, or cheap, this person's love language is probably NOT gifts and you need to find what his or her love language is. For you see, someone whose love language is gifts will be just as thrilled with a single rose you picked up at the grocery store as with a bouquet of two dozen roses from the finest shop in town, unless the single rose comes across as cheap or uncaring (this will be covered more in depth).
In the larger scheme of life, gifts carry with it a lot more weight than just the gift itself. The appropriateness of a gift is based on many factors: our relationship to the person receiving the gift, the occasion for the gift, how long we have known the person, our income, the other person's needs, and sometimes what we have given to others in a similar circumstance.
Gifts imply some intimate knowledge of the person. Sure, we've all been to gift exchanges where you bring something appropriate for a man of a certain age or a woman of a certain age, but how many of those carry long-lasting sentimental feelings? Um, probably none. But if you want to give a gift to someone you know and love, some thought needs to go into giving the gift. What is her favorite color? What brand of fishing lures does he like best? What does the person want? What does the person need? What can we afford and still keep our budget on track?
Gifts are also a way to say "I was thinking of you today." "I saw this and it reminded me of how precious you are to me." "The minute I saw this, I knew you would love it." Everybody likes to know they were thought of by someone they love. Spontaneous gifts on a rainy Tuesday do wonders for your mate's love quotient.
Often if you keep your ears open as you spend time with your mate, you will hear what he or she wants. When you hear these comments, make a mental note or write it down.
Caution: Men and women differ in how they view the gift of tools. Most women, not all, will not be thrilled with a new vacuum cleaner for your anniversary, no matter how many times she has mentioned needing a sweeper; most men, however, will be thrilled with a new power sander or table saw or some other tool they can put to use in whatever endeavor they may pursue. Unless the vacuum cleaner has a diamoned necklace attached to it, do not give a vacuum cleaner or any other appliance for a major gift-giving event.
Not long ago my husband saw an amazing new chopper on a TV commercial. He mentioned a number of times that the chopper would come in handy. Since he does a good bit of the cooking, I was on the lookout for this particular chopper. When I found it, I made a point to tell him that the chopper was at the local grocery store and I would be glad to buy it if he still wanted it. The next time we went to the store, we went directly to the chopper and bought one. He enjoyed using it so much that he tested it out by chopping nearly everything he could get his hands on. Needless to say, he felt loved by me because I remembered that he wanted that particular chopper.
The caution I mentioned earlier about appearing cheap will mainly be a problem if you give only a few gifts a year or you buy a Cracker Jack(TM) ring instead of a gold or silver band for your anniversary, birthday, or major holiday. Also, if your income is extremely high but you can't seem to part with $100.00 for the perfect gift for your spouse, your effort will not be seen as an act of love. Not all gifts need to be extravagant, but an extravagant gift every now and then, if you can afford it, will put a smile on her face in no time, especially as she talks about it with her friends, family, and co-workers.
A person whose love language is receiving gifts will not feel loved if gifts are received only on major holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. Gifts need to be given on a regular basis, but need not always be bought.
Here are some ideas for communicating with a mate whose primary love language is gifts:
If you are new to communicating in this way, start out by giving a gift three times a week. Certainly you can think of three things in a week to give to the man or woman that you love and want to feel loved. Use the list above to come up with ways to communicate with your spouse through gifts.
Be creative in how you give the gift. Here are some ideas for giving gifts:
Be your own "delivery boy." Ring the doorbell and give her a big kiss for all the neigbors to see
Gift giving can be a lot of fun. It can be just as much fun for the person giving the gift as for the one receiving it. As you grow in listening to what he or she wants, watching the types of things he buys for himself, and being creative in how you give the gift, you will find that you can hardly wait to give the next gift and feel and see the excitement of your husband or wife.
Yours for celebrating wedding anniversaries.
Claudia
Copyright © Claudia Pate
The Anniversary Shop, modern and traditional wedding anniversary gifts
Sunday, February 11, 2007
The Five Love Languages - Quality Time
About 20 years ago, quality time was the new buzz word. As more and more moms entered the work force and dads were busy making as much money as they could, everybody was talking about "quality time" in essence as a substitute for "quantity time." By that I mean that if moms, dads, and kids, or any combination thereof, couldn't spend as much time together, whatever time they had together was supposed to be used to its fullest, thus making it quality time.
While there is a bit of that included in quality time for couples, there really is no substitute for spending time, in terms of length of time, together, thus marrying quality and quantity.
If you answered yes to the question, "Do you feel most loved when you are given attention and feel
that someone wants to spend time with you?," quality time is likely your primary love language.
Quality time includes, but is not limited to, spending time together, giving one another complete, undivided attention. While you do not have to sit side-by-side on the couch, gazing into each other's eyes as you talk, it's not a bad idea every now and then. In order to spend quality time together, get rid of distractions such as the TV, the computer, the phone, the kids, etc. Look at each other when you talk and really "be" with that person.
Quality time also includes quality conversation, consisting of both talking and listening. While it is easier for some to talk than to listen and vice versa, it is imperative that each of you do both.
It can also be a problem if both of you like to talk. Often in these relationships a lot of interrupting goes on and neither of you feel like you have had a chance to talk. At a marriage conference we went to recently, we were given a card to be folded in half like a tent. One side says, "I'm talking," the other side says, "I'm listening." When the person talking has the "I'm talking" side in front of him or her, the person listening has the "I'm listening" side in front of her or him. When your turn to talk or listen comes, that side of the card should be in front of you.
For those couples who have a hard to listening without interrupting, this could be a good reminder of what your role is at the moment. If you use this tool, however, don't abuse it. Don't keep the "I'm talking" side too long. Give your partner a chance to talk as well, and use all the listening tools at your disposal.
If you are having trouble thinking of things to talk about now that you are together, start asking "imagine if" questions.
One word of caution: unless you need to work out a known problem, stay away from hot-button topics. If you have nagged your husband in the past about his choice of career, don't bring up the subject again in an attempt to nag him again. Or if she will be hurt if you don't choose her as the person you would most like to spend the afternoon with, don't use that question as a topic of conversation. Use these suggestions and this exercise to get the conversation rolling, get to know each other, and enjoy your time together.
Another part of quality time is taking part in activities together. The activities can range from watching a movie that you both want to see to taking a walk in the woods to taking dancing lessons. Whatever activity you choose, follow the steps above: give your undivided attention to your spouse and engage in quality conversation about what you are doing or any other subject that needs discussed.
Chances are good your spouse has already expressed interest in doing things together. Think back over the requests your spouse has made and make a list. Perhaps she has suggested taking walks together or spending a weekend away without the kids or he has suggested going skiing or attending a concert. Think about those suggestions and make plans to spend some time together in an activity your spouse enjoys.
If you just don't enjoy doing the activity suggested by your spouse, give it a try at least once before determining not to do it. If that activity isn't to your liking, keep suggesting activities until you agree on at least 5 things to do together. When you've done those 5 activities, work on another 5 and so on.
Here are some ideas to get you started.
Whatever you do together, remember to give your full attention without complaining. Take the time to learn to laugh with each other again.
Quality time will involve making a sacrifice. You still only have 24 hours in day. In order to devote more time to your spouse, you will have to give up something that you spend time doing now. On the other hand, quality time doesn't mean that you have to spend every minute of every day together. Start with 30 minutes a week and increase the time from there.
Chances are good that you devote a lot more than 30 minutes a week to activities you enjoy. Doesn't it make sense to give at least that much time to improve your marriage?
The Anniversary Shop, modern and traditional wedding anniversary gifts
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
The Five Love Languages - Words of Affirmation
A "yes" answer to the question "Do you feel most loved when someone expresses appreciation for you or for what you have done, no matter how simple the act?" signifies that "words of affirmation" could be your primary love language.
While all of us like to hear good things about ourselves, people whose primary love language is words of affirmation "need" to hear good things about themselves and what they have done. It is not an ego-building exercise; rather, it is the affirmation of who that person is and what he/she has done that makes him/her feel most loved.
As my husband and I started to get to know each other before we were married, I noticed that he would often ask me how I liked something he had made or whether I thought the comment he made in class was good. If he didn't ask me my opinion, he would often say himself, "This cornbread [I made] is really good" or "I think what I said really made a difference to the discussion."
It took me a while to figure out that he wasn't fishing for compliments; he needed to hear that he had done well with his efforts. For my husband to feel loved, he needs to hear words of affirmation.
A form of this is my primary love language, but not the "classic" language of words of affirmation. Instead of being told that my cookies are good, because I already know if they are or aren't, I need to hear that the decision to make the cookies was good, or the choice to use margarine instead of butter was a good choice. You see, my particular form of the need of words of affirmation lies more in validation than just in a job well done, but there's probably more psychology to that than we can go into here.
For most of us, this expression of love is probably the easiest need to fill. We are used to giving compliments on occasion, which means you might have to step up your effors if someone you love, a spouse, a child, a parent, or a friend, needs to hear words of affirmation, but it should't be a completey foreign language to you.
Here are some suggestions and a word of caution.
First the caution:
Do not couch your words of affirmation in tones of sarcasm or compliment someone on something that is completely not true. For example, saying, "Honey, that liver was wonderful" when you actually hated it will not get the desired result. Instead of feeling loved, the person hearing your remark will either be hurt by your lack of sincerity or you will end up eating liver every week for the rest of your life.
If you truly want to convey your love for someone with words of affirmation, you must be honest and you must find something each and every day, if not many times a day, that should be affirmed.
Here are a few examples to get you started:
If you are having trouble coming up with something, start a list. Take a day or two to write down what you admire in the other person then tell them or write them a day or two at a time. After a while you will notice that the words come more easily and they will be appreciated more and more with each passing day.
Here are some fun ways to put this into practice:
If you yourself need to hear words of affirmation, pass this along to the people in your life who love you or who are trying to show you love. It could make a world of difference.
To help you celebrate wedding anniversaries,
Claudia
The Anniversary Shop, your online store for modern and traditional anniversary gifts.
Monday, February 05, 2007
The Five Love Languages - What Is This All About?
As noted a few days ago, I want to focus on Gary Chapman's Book, The Five Love Languages. If you are not familiar with this book, you are in for a treat.
The premise of the book is that each one of us, no matter our background or current station in life, has a love language that must be spoken in order for us to feel loved. No matter how much we give or get from someone in our life, if it is not done in the language of the person receiving it, that person will not feel loved no matter how much time and energy is spent in giving.
For example, perhaps your primary love language is words of affirmation. You feel most loved when someone, matter who it is, tells you that you have done a good job or your hair looks nice or you made a good choice of college or school or spouse. You could care less about getting gifts when you've done a good job; a good compliment is all that's required. Your motto is that of Mark Twain, "I can live for two months on a good compliment."
Words of affirmation is just one of the five love languages. The others are quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, physical touch.
Perhaps you already know your love language or can pick it out from the list above, but do you also know your spouse's love language or can pick it out from the list above?
If not, these questions will help. Ask them of yourself, then ask them of your spouse. The love language to watch for is in parentheses following the question.
Note: Be careful here not to confuse physical touch with sex. Think of nonsexual touch, holding hands, sitting close when watching a movie, getting a neck and shoulder rub. Sexual fulfillment is not the same as physical touch as a primary love language.
We will look at each of these love languages more intently over the next few posts and suggestions will be made of how to get your needs met and fulfill another's needs in their own language.
You will be pleasantly surprised at what a difference this will make in your marriage and in other loving relationships with family and friends.
Yours for celebrating wedding anniversaries.
Claudia
The Anniversary Shop